What we fear
by Bleach-ed-Na-tsu
Summary: Haru did not fear drowning. He loved the water and would stay under until the last second; when something would warrant his attention. No, Haru feared being land-bound. So for now, while he was free he would swim and he would stay below for as long as he was able.


**Summary: **Haru did not fear drowning. He loved the water and would stay under until the last second; when something would warrant his attention. No, Haru feared being land-bound. So for now, while he was free he would swim and he would stay below for as long as he was able.

**beta'd by mercyn~~**

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What we fear.

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Haru was under no disillusion that his fascination and attachment to water was somewhat obsessive. It wasn't so much the constant swimsuit wearing, or even his overstay in the tub –normal people did that sometimes –it was more the sheer lack of caring Haru had that allowed him to strip down in a public shopping mall for an ankle-deep coral tank.

But obviously, Haru really didn't care.

There was just something about being in the water that instantly soothed him. The way he could just float and not move a single muscle, and the way his body was not meant to cut through the surface, yet so easily did.

More than that was being under the water.

His eyes opened, he stared up at the sky above him as it rippled and shifted through Haru's watery view. Haru loved the way that the sun reflected through the water on the floor of the pool; cold and rough. The lines and ripples were beautiful really, and the way they painted his skin was comfortable. Familiar.

Haru was struck again by just how comfortable he was under the water. He had learnt long ago to ignore the sting of chlorine in his eyes, and how to let out enough air to allow himself to lie on the bottom of the pool comfortably as if he weren't buoyant.

They were tricks one leant if they want to remain below the surface for longer than a minute.

Thus far Haru could hold his breath just over fifteen minutes; it wasn't close to the world record –_yet_, his mind supplied –and if he was lost in the motions and pace of free swimming it was much less; but if he was just lying there, as he was now, he could stay down for longer. It wasn't enough, but it was longer.

God Haru wished he didn't have to breathe; or at least that he didn't have to breathe so often. Sometimes he wished he had never learnt to swim; it wasn't often –because damnit he loved the water too much to imagine never experiencing the rush of swimming in it –but sometimes he wondered if it were better to have never learnt at all than to want after lungs and abilities he didn't have; could never have no matter what.

He closed his eyes again, feeling that constantly moving stillness that water had; the way that the light rippled across his eyelids even if he could feel no change in the water.

Sometimes, Haru wondered; what if he could sleep under the water?

What if he could breathe?

What if he let himself fall into the impulse he had been warned against, the impulse he had of breathing underwater. Maybe he could try this time. Try. Just. once.

But something always stopped him. Someone always called his name before that last bubble of air could escape. Someone always disturbed the stillness and had him shooting out of the water. Something always made him get out. There was always something.

Something that stopped Haru from simply letting the water flood his lungs; letting him live and breathe everything he loved.

"Haru-chan. we need to go; Gou-chan is calling us for weights training." Makoto stood by the side, smiling in his usual gentle way.

Haru watched him from under the water, not able to hear so much as read what the taller teen was saying.

He sat up, the last bubbles rushing to the surface and Haru watched them in fascination. He let his lungs dry up, let the air remain stagnant; to feel that panic he relished.

Why could he not just remain underwater forever; why could he not stay within its tranquillity?

Alas, when he saw Makoto's panicked face and saw the understanding dawn in those eyes he swan to the surface. He ignored the desperate pull his lungs gave when his mouth broke the surface, and he ignored the swell of relief on his sand-haired friends face.

He felt no relief in breathing air when he wanted to remain below.

He ignored it because he didn't care. All he cared about was the water running _off_ his back.

"_I wanted to swim longer_. Is what you were thinking, ne?" The boy laughed, though Haru caught the tinge of height in the tone that told him he had scared Makoto. So Haru looked away from his friend's face, ashamed that he had almost hurt the boy.

Instead he concentrated on the rippled of the water and reached for Makoto's hand, he knew from experience and instinct that it was there, as usual, to pull him from the water and back onto land. He was given his towel and they began to walk towards the changing room.

As they walked away, Haru still dripping in chlorine, he felt a swell of panic rise in his chest and stop his breathing for a moment. Haru feared few things. He did not fear drowning; he did not fear becoming normal. He didn't fear competition and he certainly didn't fear the water.

What Haru feared was being land-bound.

He feared becoming immobile. He loathed the thought of ever being stuck on dry land as he aged. Haru could think of no worse fate than never being able to swim freely again.

Maybe that was why he spent so much time in it now; maybe he just wanted to let the water consume him while he was still free to swim within it.

If he let himself breathe in the water he so loved now, would he be reborn a dolphin and allowed to forever roam the seas?

Haru didn't know, he supposed he never would. Right now there was always someone or something that needed his attention and interrupted his freedom. Something needed to be done, or Makoto would catch him out; even if the boy was unaware of what he was catching him out on.

All Haru could do now was swim. Swim any and every time he could. He could spend hours in the pool, days in the bath. He would spend every minute of his life in his swimsuit; just in case.

All Haru could do was ignore his greatest and most disabling fear-

"You coming, Haru-chan?"

-Because right now, he was still free.

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**I hope you enjoyed my first story in the Free! Fandom, I might write more later in time, and certainly something less depressing.**

**Thank you for reading,**

**~~Bleach-ed-Na-tsu :3**


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